How I started 2016-
- Deeply depressed, with my anxiety at an all time high.
- In a supremely unhappy and manipulative relationship, but also completely clueless about it.
- Unemployed, going no where fast and not being particularly bothered by it.
January to April has been kindly blanked out by my brain. I have a few memories of that time but most of them involve tears, panic, arguments and general discontentment with my life. In April, my entire life turned upside down. My horrendous relationship ended, in a pretty brutal way on their part and a pathetic way on my part, and I had a breakdown. I know now it wasn't because of the relationship ending, the end of the relationship was the final crack in my already weak pretense of being a normal, happy person. I couldn't kid myself that I was okay anymore, and I couldn't kid other people that I was okay anymore either. I spent most of April sat in my house, crying, not eating, not talking and genuinely suicidal.
Yep, 2016 will be known, in part, as the year I wanted to kill myself. And I am okay with admitting that. I know now I wasn't fully suicidal but I did want things to change, and that was the only way I saw it happening at the time. I know lots of people have a brilliant time talking about what happened to me, and mocking it to this day. But while you're all sat in the same place, with the same people, drinking too much and doing the same drugs you've been doing for years, I'm out there getting better, growing and learning. I'd rather be on my path than yours, any day.
2016 taught me many things. The people I thought were my friends, weren't necessarily my friends. Not everyone will be nice to you because you are nice to them. Not everyone deserves your niceness. Sometimes you need to let yourself be broken for a while. But more importantly, everything is temporary.
So, how am I ending 2016?
- I have the best relationships with people right now that I have ever had.
- My mental health problems are currently under control.
- I have a job I love, working with people that I love, who have helped me in ways I don't think I can explain.
- I have plans and ideas and a list of goals for 2017.
Its hard not to just see this year as "The Year My Life Fell Apart".
I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this was also;
"The Year I Lost My Unhealthy Relationships"
"The Year I Got A Job"
"The Year I Went To London And Didn't Have A Panic Attack"
"The Year I Got To See My Best Friend For The First Time In Far Too Long"
"The Year I Met People who Changed My Life"
"The Year I Could Fit In To Size 10 Clothes Again."
"The Year I Learnt To Contour My nose."