In my current therapy sessions, I've been asked to think about what happened during the years I spent doing nothing. I've been been told to concentrate on what it was that stopped me from doing anything from 2011-2016. You know, the big 5 year gap that where I was stuck in a cycle of doing nothing, getting dumped, crying and eating. Yeah I know, those were the days.
And I guess its a thought that must have seeped in my subconscious. At the time she asked me, I had no idea. And now I think I know what it was. I was scared. I was absolutely terrified of starting new relationships, friendships, hobbies or jobs etc and then just having them end in circumstances that were out of my control. I know no one likes endings, but I just don't cope well with them. When things end, I tend to fall apart. I was scared of these things ending, and not knowing what to do, and I was scared of my reaction when they ended.
Some how I managed to convince myself that I was protecting my mind from doing nothing for all that time. If I didn't do anything, nothing could end, so I couldn't get hurt or feel sad at all.
Still, it was no reason for everyone to sit and make fun of me for 5 years was it?